Falling, Flailing
by rgs38
Summary: Spike is forced to take a shot that shakes him to the core but, if Ed has anything to do with it, he won't go through this alone. Spoilers and alternate ending for "A World of Their Own" and everything before it. Lots of angst so all the typical warnings that go with that including some cursing.
1. Chapter 1

Falling, Flailing

_So this is my promised Spike/Ed piece and, just a heads up, probably my last story for quite a while. I head back to school in exactly one week and I will definitely not have time to write during the semester (triple major, honors program, three jobs, internship…) so just savor this one. Wanted to let you all know about that since I've been writing at an absurd rate the past few weeks. Not quite sure where I'm going with this one but know that there will be definite spoilers through "A World of Their Own" and probably foreshadowing for "Fit for Duty." My typical disclaimer about not owning Flashpoint and my typical asking for reviews! PS. Some of the dialogue in the beginning comes right from the episode "A World of Their Own" but I change something pretty vital so just keep an eye out._

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"Shots fired!" Ed shouted as he automatically dropped down behind a rock and pulled Cole down with him. His handgun was aimed in the general direction of the shots as his eyes looked from tree to tree.

"It's the boy." Spike's voice came quietly over the radio as Ed found him crouched a few feet past where he saw the rifle and then the boy, Noah. Ed was aware that Cole was speaking to him, asking to be allowed to talk to his nephew but Ed knew that they couldn't risk all the things that could go wrong with that idea right now. More shots were fired, hitting trees and the rocks surrounding Ed and Cole as Spike's voice broke through. "He has lethal intent, Ed." Spike spoke cooly, tried to be detached from the situation as Ed spoke directly to Cole.

"Stay down."

"I've got the solution..." Spike sounded a bit reluctant but Ed could see that his gun was aimed and on target, ready to take the shot if necessary. He didn't want Spike to take the shot, didn't want Spike to have to live with the guilt that he'd had to live with since he started with the SRU, the even more intense pain of killing a child that he had experienced not more than a few months ago. "Ed, what's the call?" He pressed, wanting official orders either way. It helped a bit, to have someone tell you that your actions were expected based on an order, but it didn't help as much as Ed had ever hoped it would when he had to make those tough shots. "Ed, what's the call?" Spike spoke a bit stronger now, longing for that guidance.

"Spike, hold your fire. Don't give him a target." Ed spoke clearly. His reasoning was plausible, he didn't want Spike to expose himself or for Noah to think that they were trying to sneak up on him.

"Almost there, Ed." Greg's voice sounded over the radio and Ed felt a little bit better about his position. He knew how much Greg hated making the tough calls but, it was better he than Ed at this point. He grew disheartened as he learned that there was literally no way to communicate with Noah other than putting Cole and themselves in more danger.

"Greg, he's not looking to kill. He's taken seven shots, he hasn't hit his target once. Cole's our only chance to get through to him. We gotta let him try."

"No, it's too risky, Eddie." Greg said with a degree of authority. They both knew the different scenarios, most of which ended with Noah hurting someone or the team needing to neutralize Noah. Neither option was a good one and they all knew it.

"Okay...okay. Stay with Cole. Spike, cover me." Ed said strongly as he stood.

"Copy that." Spike's voice was a horse whisper, it was obvious that he was focusing hard on his breathing and keeping himself steady. The idea of any lethal solution always hurt Spike. They were there to help, to bring some reality to the situation and make sure everyone went home okay. Even if they went home and their ears hurt a little bit from the flashbangs or their nose burnt for a few hours from the tear gas, everyone going home relatively unscathed was always the goal. Spike understood that some people brought it upon themselves, some people left them no choice. Spike had taken two lethal shots before and he had felt badly but he didn't lose much sleep over either. As much as he tried to live by Greg's philosophy that everyone could be a good person making some bad mistakes, a drug dealer threatening his girlfriend who was in the process of getting clean and a bank robber who got greedy and started killing his accomplices, didn't really phase him much. At least not as much as some of Ed and Sam's shots had phased them. It was always hard to take a life, but the innocent, the misguided, the ones that you could really understand their motivations, those were the tough ones. And this was a tough one for Spike on so many different levels.

"I need you to put that gun down, please..." Ed had his arms raised as he walked towards Noah and was making sure to annunciate each word, hoping that Noah could read his lips, even if only slightly. Spike tensed as Ed continued to speak, keeping his body language open, trying not to intimidate him. "Nobody needs to get hurt today-" They all jumped for an instant, shocked to hear a loud bang breaking the silence as Ed fell to the ground. Before his body even hit the rocky hill beneath him, Spike had quickly flicked his finger on the trigger, meeting his target as his bullet flew through the air and met it's target just over Noah's right eye.

"Ed! Ed, status?" Greg shouted into his comm link as he held Cole down, trying to keep him from seeing his only nephew fall.

"No harm...no harm..." he choked out as he tried to sit up, the pain in his ribs overwhelming for a moment. "Hit the vest." He finally got himself into a sitting position, trying to ignore the cries coming from behind the rocks where Greg comforted Cole. "Spike?" He choked out again as he got himself kneeling and then standing, a bit shaky as he tried to get a real breath. "Spike?" He said again as he made his way over to his young tech's position approaching slowly.

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_You might kill me for ending it there but another chapter will be coming soon so leave me a review if you don't mind, they really make my day! Also, for future reference, I'm not sure if they ever say Noah's age or last name in the episode. I'm gonna guess that they do but I don't have time to sit through the whole thing again to listen for that quick little tid-bit so if you know, please message or review so I can get it right._


	2. Chapter 2

Falling, Flailing-Chapter 2

_Forgot to give a little credit to the title here, comes from one of my favorite bands, Streetlight Manifesto. Also, these chapters are a little shorter, they'll probably get longer at some point but I need to get a little into this one to figure out how it's going to go. Let me know what you think and remember that I don't own Flashpoint._

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It was like he was in a trance. He was staring through the site of his gun, his aim still just under six feet from the ground, shaky hands now mimicking his shallow, erratic breaths. Somehow, he still knew what was going on around him even if he didn't actually comprehend it or react to it. Ed was struggling to get up but somehow managed to make his way to his feet before clearing the subject and kicking away his gun. Greg had gone from calling to Ed to comforting Noah to calling for Spike and Ed was slowly coming towards him. Spike was able to see and hear all of these things but felt frozen in place. This was different. A different situation than he'd ever faced before, a different outcome than anyone had hoped for, and different emotions welling up inside of him. He knew that he had to squash down any visceral emotional response. Ed was talking to him and he knew that SIU was on their way and showing any emotion other than confidence right now would be seen as weakness, doubt.

"Spike..." Ed spoke softly, almost a whisper, forcing Spike to listen to the authoritative tone that always demanded his attention. "Spike, buddy..." He stepped forward slowly, not wanted to startle Spike as he finally lifted his eyes from the site and glanced towards Ed. His hands still shook as Ed reached forward and pointed the muzzle of the rifle towards the ground before moving a few steps closer. "Spike...you okay?" He asked softly as he squared off and looked into his eyes. He could see that the usual brightness in Spike's eyes was dimmed, his usually expressive face had fallen and seemed stuck in a firm scowl.

"No! Dear God please no!" A shout erupted from behind the rock where Greg was still trying to hold Cole back, to keep him from seeing what Spike was forced to do. Ed quickly pulled Spike away from the scene knowing what he didn't need to see. He didn't need to see Noah and the small hole just above his eye or the grapefruit sized exit wound in the back of his head. He didn't need to hear Cole's pleas or see him break down once reality set in. He didn't need to see the rocks and trees stained with blood, the blood of a deaf fifteen year old who was upset and confused about why his home was being taken from him and his only family was shot and arrested.

"Come here, Spike." Ed said as he pulled him a bit further away, back towards the path but far enough from Cole and the Boss that neither could hear the other. "Come here and take some deep breaths." He said as he nodded and placed a gentle hand on Spike's shoulder. His breathing was still quick and erratic as he tried to control it but only succeeded for a few seconds at a time. "Spike...Spike look at me." Ed said with his cool, authoritative tone as he squeezed his shoulder gently and almost forced him to look up and meet his eyes. "Spike, slow it down...slow it down Spike." He spoke the words over and over again taking deep breaths himself as Spike slowly calmed. "Good, Spike...talk to me here." He spoke softly, genuine concern showing in his eyes.

"I'm fine." Spike said firmly, almost coldly. Ed was a bit taken aback but knew that if Spike needed to dissociate right now, needed to stay away from real emotions to get through the next few hours, it wouldn't help him to push. It was too fresh, too painful at the scene, in this very moment.

"Okay...okay, Spike." Ed said as he clapped his hand on Spike's back and nodded. "Okay. SIU's gonna want to talk to you." Spike nodded and began walking down the path knowing that Ed shouldn't be talking to him to begin with. Uniforms were beginning to show up at the scene and Greg was talking softly to Cole as another uniformed officer took custody of him. "And Spike," Ed called as Spike turned back around. "I'm gonna be your contact for the next 72." He added.

"This isn't my first lethal, Ed." Spike said with a little bit of frustration evident. He'd been an SRU officer for just over six years and Ed knew that this wasn't his first shot but also knew that this was a very different kind of shot and position for Spike to be in.

"I know." Ed said as he saw Inspector Stantion walking up the path a bit breathlessly.

"Scarlatti," He called out as he approached. "You're the subject officer?" He seemed a bit surprised to see Ed was on the scene but did not take the shot.

"Yes, sir." Spike said obediently as he walked towards Stantion's accompanying officer with his hands raised.

"As the subject officer you're going to have to surrender all of your weapons..." Stantion went on about Spike's rights for a few moments and went through the formalities of stripping Spike of all his different guns and non-leathal weapons. "You want your union lawyer?" He asked and before Spike even answered he got his phone out to place the call. The detective that came with Stantion began to lead Spike away down the path as Stantion hung back for a moment. "Ed." He nodded towards the constable as he hung up his phone.

"Inspector." Ed said in as friendly a tone as possible. Stantion truly understood what SRU did and why they had to make the decisions they did but he was still a representative of the organization that every officer secretly hated.

"Ed, Scarlatti okay?" He asked, a bit concerned it seemed. He had been there for some of the team's tougher calls, and had been the one that had to lead the investigation into Lou's death; he saw how deeply Spike felt emotions and Ed was actually glad that he had expressed concern, hoping that it would make things easier for the young man come time for his interview.

"I'm not sure." Ed said honestly as Stantion nodded and started to walk away.

"Oh, and Ed," He said over his shoulder, not bothering to turn around. "Parker says you need medics to check you out even if you did only take one to the vest." Ed found himself smiling, of course Greg couldn't get far without worrying. His ribs were aching with every breath he took but he knew that pain would pass. He was more worried about Spike right now and he was sure that Greg was too. SIU was notorious for skewing words, making officers trip up and doubt themselves and the situation. It was all in order to really find the truth, to make sure no one officer was doing things they shouldn't or failing at things they should be able to do but it did a number on the subject officers mentally.

"Greg, I'll get checked out in a minute but fill me in." Ed said as he stepped up to his Sergeant. His earpiece was in but he wasn't really listening to anything that was happening after he took the hit to his vest.

"Sam neutralized the other subject, Leah got the hostage safe, Jules arrested the accomplice." Greg gave the quick run down of the officers before nodding towards a police car. "Cole's being taken into custody but there's been promises of getting him out quickly." Greg looked back at Ed with a knowing look. "Your turn."

"I'm fine, ribs are a little sore but nothing an Advil won't take care of." He ignored Greg's skeptical look and moved on. "I'm more worried about Spike, boss." Greg nodded knowingly.

"Me too." He nodded. "He talk to you at all?"

"Not really, told me he was fine but he was pretty shaken when I first got to him, couldn't control his breathing, didn't seem like himself." Greg nodded again. "I told him I'd be checking up on him for the next few days and he reminded me that it wasn't his first lethal."

"He's trying to rationalized, trying to make this shot like the other two. When he's not able to, when he's not able to make this one a black and white shot, he's going to break down."

"And there's nothing we can do about it..." Ed wasn't sure if he was stating what he already knew or if he was asking a question, hoping Greg would have a way to head off the painful realizations that Spike would come to.

"We can only be there when it happens, support him, help him through it best we can, let him talk and vent." He reiterated all the things that Ed already knew but it was still reassuring to hear that he wasn't the only one worried.

"That's what I was afraid of."

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_So an explanation of the short chapter : I started going in a different direction and writing the scene where Spike goes to SIU for his interview but realized that it was turning out exactly (and I mean EXACTLY) as it did when I wrote a Wordy-centric story called "Like Eating Glass" a few months ago. So, go check that out because I remember now how much I love that scene (think it's chapter 5 or 6) but I think I'm going to skip that exchange for Spike here for fear of repeating myself. Don't worry, you'll still get plenty of angst and I'll probably have some little flashbacks in the next couple of chapters. Trying to balance two angsty characters here in Spike and Ed so please let me know what you think and if they're both in character and getting enough attention. Thanks!_


	3. Chapter 3

Falling, Flailing-Chapter 3

It felt late by the time Spike made his way back to the SRU headquarters. It was still light out but within minutes dusk would fall upon them, relatively unnoticed. It was funny, Spike thought, how people rarely noticed the in between phases of things. They notice that they're hungry and then remember a great meal they had to satisfy that hunger but they don't remember the process of cooking the food; they remember procrastinating a job, waiting until the last minute before writing the report and they remember feeling accomplished with the finished product in hand but they don't remember the pain it took to actually write it. People remember the light afternoon and the darkness of night, but they don't appreciate the transitional dusk; they don't appreciate how fast everything can change. One moment, Spike was fine, really fine. He got through some tough times, he had some scars (physical and mental) but he was doing okay, holding his own in a world that would inevitably forget about him. But so abruptly things were able to change.

He felt like a different person, everything about him felt different. He felt like he was walking funny, like his boots made more noise on the hard floors than he remembered. He forgot what to do with his arms; it felt silly, childish, to swing them as he walked but he felt stiff and robotic if he forced his hands to stay by his sides. He wasn't sure where to look. He didn't want to see Winnie and deal with one more heartbreak, one more reason to hate the world and it's rules today; he knew that he couldn't look in the briefing room and catch the Boss' eye, it was like the Medusa's stare. He had the best intentions, Spike knew that, but the moment he caught Greg's eye he knew that out of respect he would have to stop and listen to what he was saying, try to explain how he was feeling...no...scratch that...he would have to lie and tell Greg he was fine. He didn't want to be dissected but he also knew that he couldn't hold up a lie against the best profiler in the city. If he went around through the gym to the locker room it would be too obvious, his avoidance definitely wouldn't go unnoticed and it would only be more cause for alarm in Greg's world. He had to walk down the long hallway, past the dispatcher desk, past the glass windowed briefing room where Greg would inevitably be. He had to be quick and quiet and get into the locker room before either of the two figures could realize he was there, that was the only option.

"Hey." He mumbled to Winnie as he walked by quickly, not turning his head to see if she responded. He couldn't just ignore her now, even if he didn't want to talk to her and even if she didn't want to have a serious relationship with him there was still that persistent part of his brain that knew he had to try. He kept his head down as he walked past the briefing room. He felt like a teenager sneaking in past curfew. All he had to do was get to the safety behind the door of the locker room and then 'daddy' would never know that he snuck in late, snuck in to avoid talking about his feelings. Except, Greg wasn't really 'daddy,' no, Spike was shocked to open the door and see a figure sitting on a bench playing some kind of game on his phone. Ed was more like the father honestly, at least in the scary, authoritative tone that he was able to take. Stop comparing Ed and Greg to your father! Spike's subconscious seemed to yell at him as he walked into the locker room slowly, a bit skeptically.

"Ugh," Ed said as he finally looked up from his phone. "I don't understand the big fuss about this game, the birds don't even have wings! If they had wings then maybe they wouldn't need a giant slingshot to neutralize the green pigs." Spike rubbed his eyes for a moment, making sure that he was really understanding the scene before him.

"You're…playing Angry Birds?" He asked, still not sure what was going on in the locker room right now. Ed pulled his finger back on his phone again and released it before balling his fist in frustration.

"How do poeple get addicted to this crap?" Ed asked, answering the question without realizing.

"Well, Ed, how long have you been playing?" Spike asked as he started changing.

"Not long," Ed said as he glanced at his watch. "Oh...that long, huh?" He said, more to himself as he put his phone away. A silence fell over them as Spike packed his gear back into his locker and started lacing up his sneakers. Ed knew that on a normal day, Spike would have jumped on the idea that he was playing Angry Birds…really any video game…and lectured him on the physics and the different adjustments that had to be made for him to win. His lack of communication, even if it was his normal joking manner or his fast talking ramble. "How was SIU?" He said as lightly as he could, trying to keep things conversational. Spike shrugged but didn't elaborate. "Yeah, it sucks, I know." Ed said with a nod as he stood. He couldn't help but let out a small grunt of pain as his body shifted. He was cleared by the medics but the bullet had hit his vest hard, at close range, and had left a nasty bruise on one of his ribs radiating out into the rest of his chest.

"How's your ribs?" Spike asked as he shut his locker.

"Ah, it's not too bad. I've had worse." He said as he also shrugged. Spike nodded before closing his locker.

"Well, I'm gonna get going. We've got an early shift in the morning..." Spike said as he kept his eyes down and started to make his way to the door.

"Not so fast buddy," Ed said as he stepped between Spike and the exit. He smiled and kept his tone light. "You know how it is, I get shot, I buy the first round…" Spike looked at him skeptically as Ed continued. "I'm really not in the mood for alcohol though so, if you don't mind maybe just a coffee?" Spike seemed to be getting a bit frustrated as he moved past Ed, knocking their shoulders as he did.

"Ed, I'm really not in the mood. I just want to go home and get some rest." Spike said firmly as Ed again moved in front of him, more serious this time.

"Yeah, well I don't really want you to be alone right now." Spike's eyes narrowed as he felt himself growing angry.

"I'm not a rookie, Ed!" He said a little louder than he had intended. "I've taken lethal shots before and you pretending to want to hang out isn't going to help me. I don't want to go out. I don't want to talk. I'm fine." Spike accentuated each sentence as he felt his hands shake again. He was angry and emotional and couldn't hold it in any longer but he just needed to get out of there and needed to be alone for a bit to sort through all his thoughts.

"It's not pretending Spike." Ed said strongly but quieter, forcing Spike to listen and calm down. "I do want to hang out with you, I do want you to talk about this, and I know that you're not fine. You've never lost your temper with me before Spike." He paused for a moment. "Never in six years have you raised your voice in anger and I think you're hiding behind it because you're hurting." Ed pushed, knowing that he did the same thing and knowing that this wasn't Spike. "I want to help you, buddy, please let me in." Spike's eyes had softened a bit while Ed was talking though he still stood defensively, like he was ready to throw a punch at any moment. His stance softened a bit again as his face fell, he didn't look upset or angry anymore, he just looked tough, cold almost.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Ed." His tone left absolutely no room for arguments as he walked out of the locker room, never meeting Ed's eyes.

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_I know these chapters are kind of on the short side for my average but the whole story's going to be a bit shorter than what I usually do so, sorry. But I'd still really love feedback and I'm open to any suggestions people have about direction and if the characters are right. I feel like I might be a little OOC on both Ed and Spike so please let me know._


	4. Chapter 4

Falling, Flailing-Chapter 4

_Please let me know what you think so far. Not sure how much longer this one will be but I will be finished by Saturday, that's my goal and I need to meet it because I realize now that, in the coming semester, I have 2 hours a week free during business hours…so there's not going to be much writing time._

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Spike walked quickly towards his apartment from the parking lot. The nights were still a little chilly even though the days were warm but it wasn't the cold he was running from. He closed the door behind him before locking it and leaning against the frame letting out a long, shaky breath. He felt the muscles of his chest ache, feeling like he'd held his breath all afternoon, all evening. He didn't know what time it was or the last time he ate but he knew that he wasn't hungry. It was a combination of literal non-hunger and, how he felt his stomach would resist any food it was in such knots. He took a few more deep breaths to steady himself before dropping his bag and kicking off his shoes. He looked around his apartment, not really sure what to do with himself. He was tired but knew that he wouldn't be able to sleep. He didn't want to feel the pain of flashbacks when he closed his eyes. He knew that they would be vivid, they always were, the blood was always a brighter red, the eyes…the victim's eyes were always so clear, so accusatory when he closed his. He might not have been the one taking the lethal shots in the past but it's not like he was isolated. In fact, and he would never admit it, he always felt like he knew the subjects and hostages so well. Sure, Sarge was negotiating, really delving into things, but Spike was right beside him, feeding him the information. He saw the Facebook profiles, the lighthearted statuses, the pictures from a recent graduation, or party, or of the families…those were the worst. He saw medical records, he knew what subjects had bad knees, what hostages were prone to panic attacks, who worked hard to gain their sobriety. He saw a student who made Dean's List, a father with a newborn, a veteran, a boy who lost his parents and was trying to make due the best he could.

A boy who lost his parents and was trying to make due the best he could. A boy who was afraid of losing the only tie to his family he had left, the only place in the world where he felt at home. A boy for whom the world was overwhelming sometimes. A boy who felt different, who literally no one could understand except for that one, vital tie to happiness and the world.

Spike didn't know when he realized it, somewhere between the second and third beer…or maybe he knew it all along, but he was Noah. The rest of the team tried, and some people could have understood aspects of Noah's life; Jules had lost her mother at a young age, Leah's childhood home in Haiti was destroyed, Ed had felt the bitter betrayal of bureaucracy many times, but no one inherently understood him like Spike had. From the moment he started to decipher what was going on, who they were chasing and what had caused this entire call, Spike had felt his chest tighten and his muscles never fully relaxed. He couldn't help but feel exactly what Noah was feeling every step of the way. Seeing his uncle, mentor, really his best friend hurt and not sure of his place in this world without his parents…Spike knew that it was hitting too close to home for him. He knew that he should have pulled Greg aside, asked to pull back and coordinate or somehow be less directly involved. But the situation was tough, they were spread thin to begin with and they needed Spike with Ed. Sam and Leah were already in pursuit of the other subject, the one who Spike wouldn't have objected to cornering and being the tough, SWAT cops to scare him into retreat; it didn't end that way and Sam had to take the shot but Spike would have preferred that so much more.

Even now, on the fourth beer (he thought) in a very short time, he still felt the ache in his chest, the pain that was begging to be set free in a deep, visceral way. But he didn't know how. He'd hurt before. He'd felt deep emotional pain. He'd experienced death and disappointment and guilt but this was all amplified so much. This wasn't just a subject he had identified with, this was a kid who, if felt, was literally living his life. This wasn't just the guilt of knowing that they had to take lethal action this was the deep, pervasive guilt of knowing that he was the one who had to pull the trigger. He was the one that ended this child's life. And it didn't have to end.

"Damn you, Ed!" He yelled out into his empty, dark apartment. If Ed hadn't exposed himself, if he hadn't have stepped up and allowed Noah to shoot him then Spike wouldn't have had to reciprocate the action. He knew, rationally that Ed had to move, had to get closer and hope that the boy could read his lips and body language, that they didn't have any options if Ed had stayed hidden but it didn't matter to Spike right now. All that mattered to SIU, it seemed, was that he didn't have a scorpio call at the time of the shot. He wasn't given permission by his sergeant or his team leader to take the shot and, even though Ed had taken a bullet, it was to the vest and, wasn't it possible that the non-lethal shot meant that the boy might have still been open to negotiation? Didn't it matter to him that the boy was deaf and only fifteen years old? Did he count the shots to see how much ammunition the boy had left? Did he evaluate other options before ruthlessly killing a child?

The SIU detective's questions seemed to ring in his ears as he shook his head. Of course he had tried to figure out other options, of course he didn't want to take lethal action. None of that mattered though, he still did. He still killed a fifteen year old with his whole life ahead of him. He felt dizzy as he got up to get another beer, disappointed to find his six pack now empty. That's not a good sign. Part of his brain somehow concluded. He didn't realize when he'd started drinking the beer, knowing that he really should stay away from alcohol on a night like tonight but he was a little more concerned that he finished the entire six pack. Least I didn't have a twelve pack. He thought with a bit of a smile but suddenly felt himself falling. He had overbalanced, something had hit him…well nothing physically hit him, something else, something mental happened when he smiled.

_I shouldn't be allowed to be happy._ He thought to himself as he sat on the floor of his kitchen, his back against the refrigerator._ I shouldn't be allowed to smile, to feel happiness...to feel. Noah won't get that chance...Lou won't ever get that chance, Pa...why should I be allowed to exist?_ On days like today it was impossible for him to not remember Lou, to feel the pain of his death, the guilt of the circumstances that led to them, and the distinct loneliness that he was left with. Lou's death had permanently changed Spike and everyone knew it but, when it happened, he was an adult with a solid support system, some good coping skills, and a good amount of alcohol at his disposal. That had made it a bit more bearable but, realistically, Spike knew that he would never get over Lou's death, would never get over his father's death and the terms he left Spike on, knew that, no matter how often he called his mother in Italy, there was still a feeling of loss in his heart.

He was just so lonely. He wanted to talk to someone badly but knew that he couldn't call Greg or Ed, that was a one way trip to a shrink and desk duty. Anyway, he'd feel guilty if he let on how much this was affecting him. Sam and Ed took tough shots every day and they were fine...well they always put on a happy face. Everyone, including themselves, knew that there was emotional fallout from their jobs and it was a struggle at times to keep themselves together but Sam and Ed also both had someone that loved them when they came home. There were struggles, Sam and Jules had to keep a big secret for a long time and Ed and Sophie had their problems but their families saved them at times. Spike came home to a cold, empty apartment that would never feel like the home he'd lived in since the day he was born.

He tried to get up, tried to move himself from the kitchen and get to bed but every time he stood he found himself falling, dizziness overwhelming him. He didn't know when he made it to the living room and he didn't know when he'd started crying but he found himself laying on the floor behind his couch, tears staining his checks as he curled in on himself. _I'm so pathetic!_ He thought to himself as he rolled on to his side and crossed his arms over his chest, letting quiet sobs escape his mouth._ What's wrong with me? I did my job...I killed a kid..._

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_Angsty chapter but I don't really like the way it turned out. I re-wrote this like four times because I just couldn't get it right, felt like I was getting too rambley, just couldn't get across what I wanted to. Also, meant to end this in a very different place but I had like three different ways I considered going and didn't know which way it was going to be until...well right now. So, more to come soon._

_PS. I got an anonymous review with a suggestion of a place to go and I love it and kind of wish that I'd gotten it before this chapter was already half-written. Keep an eye out though, I might (at some point) re-write this story (sorta) with that ending or just write something else completely with that being the plot because I really love it. So thanks for that!_


	5. Chapter 5

Falling, Flailing-Chapter 5

"It's not like him, Greg." Ed said firmly into the phone. It was almost two in the morning and Ed had been trying for nearly an hour to get a hold of Spike.

"And you're sure he's not just asleep, Ed?" Greg asked tiredly into the phone. "It was a long day and it is 2 AM…" Greg didn't want to doubt Ed but wanted to bring a little bit of reality into the situation. He knew that Spike wasn't in a good place but Spike was also very resilient and had a tendency to bounce back from pain by working harder. With other members of the team (Ed included) Greg would be more worried about self-destructive behavior but it was hard to imagine Spike doing anything much worse than working himself to exhaustion.

"He's not asleep." Ed said firmly, growing a bit frustrated.

"Eddie," Greg started gently. "he's not you. This is hard for him, it was hard for all of us, but Spike's been through a lot." Greg tried to imply that he had coping mechanisms, that he knew how to get through what he was feeling but Ed couldn't help but think that he knew better.

"Greg…" Ed started but wasn't quite sure what to say. He didn't want the conversation to redirect and the focus to turn on his own well-being. It was a great step that he'd reached out to his friend and asked for help but he really didn't want to get into it any more, not right now, not when another teenager had been neutralized on their watch. "He's not okay."

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"Spike, open the damn door!" Ed banged his fist against the door again, unsuccessful at rousing his friend, though pretty successfully angering the neighbors. He had been there for about ten minutes and his gentle words of friendship quickly turned into concern and from there, full fledged worry and frustration. "Spike, I'm serious. You know that you answer the phone when I call and if I'm at your door you know that I am not kidding…open the door!" Combined, all the members of the team had keys to the other's homes but Spike had just moved and hadn't gotten around to making copies of his key. Ed checked all the normal hiding places, knowing that he wouldn't find the key under the welcome mat but still wanting to try. "Spike…you know that I have a battering ram and a lock pick kit so this is futile. Just let me in so I can make sure you're okay." Ed was actually bluffing. He could pick the lock and he could probably break the door down but he honestly didn't think it would get that far and he didn't have any of the necessary tools to do so. He could probably fashion a lock pick from something in his car but that was an extreme option; he wanted to talk to Spike, needed some sign that he was at least rational, but he didn't want to violate his privacy. "Michelangelo Scarlatti…open the door." Ed nearly growled, masking his deep worry with anger.

"Hey, who are you?" An elderly woman was peeking out her door across the hall and looking suspiciously at Ed.

"Sorry to wake you ma'am," Ed said politely. "My name is Ed Lane, I'm a police officer." He showed her his badge as she opened the door a bit more. "I just want to check on my friend, he's not answering my calls or his door." He explained as he glanced back at the door.

"Let me see that badge again." Ed showed it to her, not really sure what she was doing but after a moment of carefully studying his identification she nodded and handed him a key. "He got his copies a few days ago and gave me one to hold on to for emergencies." Ed nodded at her, mumbling a quick thanks before he went to the door again.

"Spike…you have ten seconds to open the door or I'm coming in." Ed tried to keep the threatening tone out of his voice but it was hard. He took a few deep breaths trying to rein in his frustration and keep an open mind, to be supportive. He waited for at least a minute before sliding the key into the door and cracking it open. The first thing that hit him when he entered the apartment was the overwhelming smell of beer. He shook his head, a bit disappointed that Spike would turn to alcohol rather than calling him or Greg, Sam, Jules, anyone really. He took a few steps into the darkened room noticing the little things. There were no dishes in the sink so Spike hadn't eaten anything since he got home but his shoes, bag, and keys were all near the door so he hadn't gone back out. Ed was about to make his way down the hall towards Spike's bedroom hoping to find him sleeping off the beers but something behind the couch caught his eye. "Spike!" He nearly yelled in panic as he slid down to his knees near his side. His fingers automatically reached to Spike's neck looking for a pulse, relieved to find a strong, steady beat. He was also relieved to find Spike stirring under his touch. "Spike, wake up Spike." Ed said as gently as he could, the adrenaline of finding his friend on the floor of his apartment making his fingers shake.

"Ed…what're'ya doin here?" Spike asked, confused as his eyes focused and he got his bearings.

"Well, I came to make sure you were okay but I've obviously got my answer on that one." Ed tried to keep his tone light as Spike's eyes shifted around.

"How'd you get in?" He asked as Ed helped him sit up.

"I was getting ready to knock down the door after waking up the entire floor when the women across the hall gave me the key." Ed explained briefly, not sure how exactly how coherent Spike was.

"Oh…Ms. Schwartz…what a nice lady…she reminds me of Ma a little bit…but her lasagna isn't nearly as good…" Spike went on for a while, speaking partially coherent sentences as Ed got him up on the couch and found a bottle of water in the fridge.

"Drink this." He handed Spike the water as he smiled at Ed a little too widely.

"I think I've had enough, Eddie."

"It's water, you've got to re-hydrate yourself." He said as Spike shrugged and nodded. "And only Greg calls me Eddie." He said a bit firmer as Spike nodded, not really listening. There were a few minutes of silence as Spike drank his water and Ed tried to figure out what to do. He couldn't leave Spike alone in this state; he was too drunk to be trusted and, though he seemed okay at the moment, once he remembered why he decided to get wasted he would fall apart all over again. That moment of clarity seemed to come sooner than Ed expected as, suddenly, Spike dropped the half-full bottle of water, his face frozen in seeming horror. "Spike?" Ed asked softly as he moved in front of him, kneeling so that their eyes met.

"It's not okay, Ed…it's never gonna to be okay…" Spike said with tears in his eyes, his voice almost innocent as it became heavy with emotion. In most cases Ed probably would have jumped on Spike's statements with ease, assuring him that things felt bad now but tomorrow was a new day and all the things that he had learned in years of hearing Greg negotiate but something about Spike's phrasing made Ed take pause. 'It's gonna be okay…' was a loaded phrase for the whole team really, Spike in particular though, it brought them all back to a time when things were at their worst, when Lou made his choice to save his friend and sacrifice himself. Spike didn't use those words lightly and even in his drunken state Ed knew that, if he was going to say anything, those words were deliberate.

"Spike, talk to me here. What do you mean that it's not gonna be okay?" Ed pressed, making sure to use the same phrasing, making sure that Spike knew he understood.

"How can it ever be okay?!" He shouted with anger that Ed had never seen. If he wasn't so unsteady he would have expected Spike to shoot up from the couch and walk away but luckily that wasn't an option this time around. "I'm a goddamned killer, Ed! The kid…he was just scared…" Ed nodded, knowing the feeling far too well, knowing exactly what was going through Spike's head. "...they didn't deserve to die…" Spike mumbled again, Ed confused only for a split second about why the sentiment was now plural.

"Spike…I know it's hard, to live with yourself after doing your job, but it's something we've got to do. We've got to fight through everyday until it gets a little bit better." Ed was fairly unconvincing in his argument but he realized that it didn't matter much as Spike had fallen asleep while he was in the middle of his sentence. "Oh, Spike…" Ed said softly as he stood and looked down at the young man before him, smaller than he remembered. He shook his head before sending two texts, one to Sophie saying that he had to spend the night at Spike's so she wouldn't worry when she woke up and he wasn't there, and one to Greg telling him to call the commander and get them off shift in the morning; he and Spike needed to have a long talk and neither of them were prepared to have it right now.

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_Maybe one or two more chapters here. Let me know how I'm doing, I'm loving all the reviews I've gotten so far! Thanks for the reads and reviews and follows and all the support!_


	6. Chapter 6

Falling, Flailing-Chapter 6

"Ugh..." Spike woke up with a groan. The first thing he noticed was the pain. His whole body ached as a ray of sunlight hit his eyes and sent shooting pains directly into his brain. After he noticed that staying still significantly reduced the amount of pain in his body he began to realize how confused he was. He knew that last night was not a good one and he didn't remember how exactly it ended but he knew that it was not in his bed when it did...at least not when his memory ended. He also knew that he did not have the clarity of mind to lay out a bottle of water and some aspirin next to his bed. He was grateful for the aspirin though so he decided to take advantage of that before trying to decipher how it got there. As he rolled over he caught a glimpse of his alarm clock and felt his heat jump. It was nearly 10 AM and the team had been expected for workouts at 5 AM. Spike quickly grabbed his phone, watch, and wallet off his bedside table (still not sure how they all got from his pockets onto the nightstand) and ran from his room. He was already going to get grilled for coming in late so at least if he came in in the same clothes as yesterday he could use the excuse of getting lucky last night and not setting an alarm before he had his fun. He only had to hope that Ed didn't realize how hungover he was..."Ed?" Spike's thoughts were interrupted as he ran out into the main part of his apartment and stopped in his tracks.

"Coffee?" Ed asked, looking up from his newspaper and motioning towards a pot of coffee on the stove. Spike looked skeptical as he slowly walked around Ed and poured himself a cup of coffee. He wasn't sure whether to sit at the table with Ed, run and get dressed before the shift he thought they had, or to stay standing and wait for instructions but he did know that he was very confused and anxious. "You can sit, Spike," Ed motioned towards a chair next to him. "It's your apartment." He felt the need to remind the young tech. They sat in silence for a few minutes as Ed read his newspaper and sipped at his coffee and Spike worked hard to piece together all the different scenarios that would put Ed in his apartment instead of at the barn. He came to few (actually no) plausible answers.

"Ed..." Spike spoke up, the confusion and anxiety overwhelming him. "Why are you here? Or...well...when did you get here? And how did you get in? And aren't we supposed to be on shift like five hours ago?" Ed couldn't help but smirk as Spike rambled off his questions and tried to figure out what happened. Ed sat back in his chair and tried to figure out where to start.

"Well...I'm here because you wouldn't pick up your phone last night when I called to check in on you. So I came over to make sure you were okay." He paused as Spike looked at him in only slightly masked horror. "You weren't." He added. "Found you passed out over there," he motioned towards the floor. "at about 2 AM after I woke up the neighbors trying to get in. The woman across the hall gave me your emergency key." He paused, letting Spike take a moment to catch up. "You remember any of that...any of last night?" Ed asked when Spike stayed silent for a few moments.

"Not too much." A slight blush rose in Spike's checks as he realized that he was in trouble.

"Yeah, I noticed that you went through quite a bit of alcohol." Ed said matter-of-factly.

"I...I didn't mean to drink the whole six-pack, Ed. I really didn't." Spike said as if he was apologizing for breaking a dish or upsetting his parents. "I was going to have one just to calm my nerves and get to sleep." Spike seemed ashamed, his head dropping as his hands nervously repositioned themselves around his mug.

"Spike..." Ed began but was quickly interrupted.

"I know I shouldn't have drank at all. I know I needed to feel what I was feeling and all that but, Ed, the last thing I wanted to do was go to sleep with those images in my head. I wouldn't have been able to sleep and then I would have come in today exhausted and then I still would have been in trouble so, honestly, I'd rather be in trouble for losing track of my drinks and getting a good nights rest...even if a little...well...a lot hungover-"

"Spike!" Ed hated that he had to raise his voice in order to stop Spike's ramble but he didn't see a foreseeable end to his explanations and rationalizations. "I'm not mad that you drank and you're not in trouble, you're not sixteen and I'm not gonna ground you, buddy." Ed smiled lightly, trying to calm Spike a bit. He saw Spike visibly relax his shoulders but his eyes still showed a great deal of anxiousness. "I'm just...a little disappointed I guess that you felt like you couldn't reach out to anybody last night when you were feeling so wound up instead of turning right to the beer." Ed said simply, trying to be gentle. He knew that Spike saw him very much as an authority figure and didn't want this exchange to end up being a series of commands, he really wanted Spike to see him as a peer in his struggle and have a conversation.

"It's not that, Ed. I knew I coulda called anyone, I know..." Spike said vaguely but trailed off.

"Then why didn't you?" He asked before adding quickly, "And I don't just mean me. Why didn't you call Sam or the boss, or anyone on the team?" Spike sighed before shaking his head.

"It's nothing, Ed. I wasn't being super rational and...I don't know, you know how sometimes my brain works against me." Spike tried to laugh but it was hollow and obviously forced.

"Yeah, I know that feeling of not being able to reign in your thoughts, not being able to control what you're thinking and feeling...it's hard." Ed said gently as Spike nodded. "It's scary sometimes too...the things that you're mind comes up with when you're in a bad place." Spike froze for an instant, barely perceptible unless Ed was watching carefully, and he was. Spike might have been trying to brush off what he had been thinking and feeling when he started at the beers but he was seriously off and disturbed by Ed's words. "What did your mind come up with last night?" He pushed a bit but was met with silence. He tried to be patient but he was always worse at waiting quietly than Greg and he could only let it go on for a few minutes. "You said something to me last night, Spike. Do you remember?" Spike blushed again before smiling.

"Apparently I get very happy when I'm drunk so if I told you that I loved you or something weird like that I'd totally be oaky with pretending it didn't happen." Spike tried to inject some humor into this conversation, automatically going to his defense mechanisms. He had actually heard the opposite about himself. The few times he'd ever gotten wasted was with Lou and the next morning he'd usually be told with stories about how he'd become withdrawn or depressed. Spike knew that had happened last night knowing what he had been thinking before he passed out but he wasn't going to admit that to Ed.

"No...when I found you I definitely wouldn't say that you seemed happy." Ed said as he took another sip of his coffee. "You said that you were a goddamned killer." He said verbatim, letting the words sink in but only for a moment. "You said that the kid was scared and that they didn't deserve to die." He said, stressing the word 'they' but not lingering on it. "You said that it was never gonna be okay." There was a moment of silence again before Spike smiled.

"Wow…I guess last night was not a happy drunk night." He tried to laugh it off but Ed wasn't having it.

"Spike?"

"Oh come on, Ed." Spike had a bit of frustration in his voice. "You can't tell me that there haven't been bad days where you can't leave work at the barn and it just takes a few days to bounce back."

"You're right, some bad days are really really bad. And you're right, there have been times where I've made some bad decisions but it's different-"

"How is it any different, Ed?" Spike interrupted angrily. "How can you shooting a teenager four months ago and me shooting a teenager yesterday be so different? Because you're strong and I'm weak? Because you've killed more people than me? Because I'm soft, damaged? We're different people but you shot May Dalton and bounced back in a few days without getting wasted and passing out drunk. You didn't have to call the team off shift because you needed some more time to cope. I did my job but maybe this is a sign that I shouldn't have left the truck, that I'm not cut out for this-"

Spike's rant was interrupted by Ed's fist slamming down on the table so hard that coffee spilled from the mugs. Spike immediately stopped talking, only now realizing the words that he hadn't meant to say. He opened his mouth and started to apologize but the look Ed gave him immediately silenced him again. Ed seemed to be taking deep breaths, reigning in the anger that seemingly overcame him instantaneously. After a few minutes had passed in silence and both of them had cleared their heads, Spike tried to speak again.

"Ed, I'm sorry. I don't know what's going on in my head-"

"Spike," Ed's voice came in a low, quiet tone. "Stop talking for a second." He said with a tight smile. He took a few deep breaths, trying to figure out what to say, how to comfort a man who was going through the same thing he always had. It should have been easy, he should have been able to draw from the personal experience, far too much experience, in dealing with these kinds if scenarios but he didn't have any answers. He could say the things that Greg said to him, the reassuring phrases, the bonds of friendship, but Ed knew that they wouldn't hold the same weight because they were the same. They were both struggling and Ed trying to put up a front of anything else would be hollow. But he couldn't let Spike see just how deep his wounds went, couldn't let his guard down so much.

"Spike..." He started, unsure of himself, suddenly nervous. "I'm not some emotionless robot. I do feel all the bad stuff that this job throws at us-"

"I know, Ed, I know you've got emotions. I didn't mean to make it sound like you were a robot, I'm sorry-"

"Spike, shut up for a minute." Ed smiled, trying to bring a bit of levity to what would otherwise be harsh words. Spike nodded, closing his mouth and listening intently, knowing that when he got nervous or lost his temper he would ramble on and on if given the opportunity. Ed knew exactly what Spike needed to hear, knew exactly what he needed to say and had the words formed in his mind but he couldn't get them out. He was having so much trouble saying such simple words that, after a few minutes of working himself out he felt as though he had to just spit it out.

"I'm not okay either, Spike." He said with great effort. He hoped that the words would be cathartic, even though he would never admit it, asking Greg for help actually did make him feel better but there was something different about this, something more raw, more vulnerable about his words. He could see Spike itching to ask a question, add something to the conversation but he was being obedient and waiting for Ed to finish. "I've taken a lot of tough shots in my career, you know that, but none of them have affected me as much as May Dalton have." He paused again, letting the significance of what he was saying set in. "I've felt all the things you're feeling, that I was a monster and that she was just trying to do the right thing and that, since I was feeling that way, I wasn't cut out for the job, but Spike, we know that those things aren't true." He paused for a moment, needing again to convince him of that fact. "We're all human. It's not right to kill another human being, it doesn't ever feel that way. Some days it's easier but it's always tough to neutralize a kid. You did good yesterday and you've just got to keep reminding yourself of that fact. It's not a matter of being strong or weak or having more experience, it's a matter of being human." Ed paused again, hoping that this was helping Spike because it was sure upsetting him. He nodded, signaling that he was done and ready for Spike to speak again.

Spike wasn't exactly sure how to react to Ed's confessions. He knew that he'd lived with the job during the good and the bad times and that his family life took a toll from it but he always thought that Ed was the stable one on the team. He had to fight for it, but he had it all together. Hearing that it wasn't true, that he struggled with the decisions they had to make every day as well, comforted Spike in a way. He felt terribly that Ed was also suffering but he didn't feel nearly as alone as he did and, Ed's confessions made him feel like he could fight through this pain and still function at a high level like his team leader.

"I...I'm sorry, Ed. I...I didn't know." Spike couldn't manage to hold eye contact for more than a few seconds as Ed nodded.

"It's okay, it's really okay." He assured. "I just want you to know that I know what you're feeling right now. I know how hard it is to validate the job and our actions in light of what happened yesterday." Spike nodded and stayed quiet for a moment, collecting his thoughts.

"I don't know...it just felt like I should have been able to handle this one lethal shot. I mean, you and Sam take a lot more of those than me and each subject touches you personally one way or another, I know that, but...Noah...I really felt connected to him, so I guess that's why it's so hard..."

"Yeah, I was thinking about that when you were asking me if you should take the shot." Ed spoke almost nonchalantly but Spike's head shot up.

"What do you mean?"

"Come on, Spike. I didn't want you to take that shot as much as you didn't want to. Why do you think I held off giving you the call so long?" Ed shrugged. "Anyway, I know you felt for him really distinctly, between losing your parents and having to move out of the house you grew up in, it's been a tough couple of years for you." Spike nodded but didn't add anything. "I really didn't want you to have to take that shot but you're gonna get through it buddy."

"Thanks, Ed." Spike said softly as he nodded, taking another sip of coffee and rubbing his temples.

"How's the hangover?" Ed asked sympathetically, knowing that they both needed a break from the heavy, emotional conversation.

"It sucks." Spike said simply but with a smile. His head was pounding, that was the most noticeable issue he was having but his stomach was also a little unsure at the moment.

"Yeah, well you gotta hydrate," Ed said as he passed Spike a water bottle. "We switched with team five so we're on tonight." Ed informed as he got up to get another cup of coffee.

"Awesome." Spike's sarcastic tone expressed how unexcited he was for an overnight shift.

"Yeah, well, at least you didn't have to do drills hungover at 5 AM so, be happy." Ed smiled at Spike's disgusted face. "Go get dressed, we're going out." Ed said somewhat suddenly as Spike looked at him curiously. "Come on, we don't have all day."

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_Longish chapter but I couldn't find a good place to break it. Don't really know if it does justice all the angst I played up for Spike earlier though; I think it touches on it but I didn't really have the time to get into it indepthly. Let me know what you think though, one more chapter on this and it's going to be a short one._


	7. Chapter 7

Falling, Flailing-Chapter 7

_Thanks for sticking with this one. I'm not sure I quite did this idea justice but I'm glad that you've all seemed to enjoy this. I have a ton of ideas but this is probably the last you'll see from me for a while. The semester starts on Tuesday and I've got two hours free a week during business hours and then homework and work...it's unfortunate but I'm really glad I've gotten the opportunity to write during this break and I look forward to picking it up again over the summer and when I've got some free time. This is a short one just to finish things off, felt a little incomplete where I planned to end it last chapter._

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"Ed, seriously, you're not gonna tell me where we're going?" Spike asked, nervous and confused as he sat in Ed's passenger seat. Ed considered the question carefully. He couldn't tell Spike before they'd left, he'd never agree to come, but it might not hurt now.

"You said some things to me last night Spike, I know you don't remember but I think it's important to get some closure." Ed started vaguely, trying to test the waters a bit.

"Ed, I told you that I'd see the department shrink tomorrow for a trauma debriefing...you don't need to bring me there now, I promise I'll keep the appointment..." Spike was still a bit confused, trying to figure out what Ed was getting at.

"Nah, I know you'll keep your word, Spike. I won't check up on you, I trust you." Ed said sincerely as Spike relaxed a bit. It was a slight battle to get him to agree to see the counselor and it took Ed telling Spike about his own recent experience with asking for help and seeing a therapist to finally open him up to the idea. Though Ed was still debating the use and impact of his the therapy sessions, Greg swore by the idea that talking to someone impartial could help work out most problems; Ed never mentioned that he wasn't being completely honest with the therapist, but he was trying to give it as fair a shot as he could and that's all Spike needed to hear right now.

"Then where are we going?" Spike asked, back at square one. His question seemed to be answered as they turned off the main road to a familiar side street. Rolling hills filled the windows of the passenger side of the car, an unusual sight for the urban landscape at first glance, until you noticed the rows of neat marble headstones. "What are we doing here, Ed?" Spike asked a bit more seriously, any levity that was in his tone now gone.

"Last night when you and I were talking...well when I was talking to you and you were kind of in a drunken ramble...you kept on saying 'they.'" He paused for a moment, not sure if Spike was understanding exactly what Ed was implying. "You said that Noah was innocent but then you said that they didn't deserve to die...that it was your fault they'd died...you told me that it wasn't gonna be okay...Spike, it's not that hard to tell that you're still blaming yourself for Lou's death and that you're really still hurting." Ed was trying to be gentle as they pulled into the parking area and he turned off the ignition.

"Ed, this isn't necessary." Spike said firmly. "I was drunk, I don't even remember what I was thinking or saying."

"I know you weren't thinking, that's why it's more honest than you could ever be when you were aware that I was there, that anyone was watching." Spike knew he couldn't argue that one, he apparently did not have a filter last night and he was regretting it.

"I'm never going to be 'over it' Ed." Spike said in a quiet voice.

"I know...me neither." Ed said solemnly as he reached out and squeezed Spike's shoulder. "But we can at least try to keep living...come on." Ed said as he got out of his truck and started walking. Spike lagged behind a bit and let Ed lead. They both knew the way well; it was a well known fact that Spike visited Lou's grave often, Ed didn't make it known when he did though his teammates would probably be surprised at how regularly he sat with his fallen friend. They both stood in front of the modest headstone for a moment before Spike knelt and found tears in his eyes. He couldn't help it, he always found himself crying when he went to visit Lou.

"Hey buddy." He mumbled before sitting on the ground. It was cool outside but the sun still shone on the horizon and the ground was soft. Ed knelt down a few feet to Spike's left before smiling.

"Hey Lou." He said as his and Spike's eyes met for a moment. "It's been a tough couple of months." He said with a sigh as Spike nodded. "But I know you're always looking out for us, buddy. Thanks for that." Ed looked towards Lou's headstone for a few more moments before nodding. "Spike, I'm gonna leave you alone for a bit. I'll meet you back at the truck when you're ready and then we'll get some lunch and go do an early workout, get rid of some of the extra stress. Sound good?" Ed asked, already standing as Spike nodded.

"Thanks again, Ed...really, thanks for keeping on me." He said sincerely.

"Anytime, Spike. I got your back." He said with a smile before turning and starting his slow walk back to his truck. As he walked, he could hear Spike's voice fading.

"Damn, Lou. It's been one hell of a 24-hours. I had to do a lethal shot and...it was a kid...his name's Noah and, I don't know if this is possible but, you think you could keep an eye out on him if you cross paths? He reminds me a lot of myself and you know what? His uncle, he reminds me a little of you..."

As Ed continued to move out of earshot he couldn't help a sad smile from coming to his face. This was a step that Spike had to take in his career, it was a hard one, a step that broke so many good officers and forced them to leave the job but he knew that Spike would grow stronger from this experience. He knew that one day, probably a long way down the road, Spike would move up the ranks and, one day, he'd be looking out for one of his teammates in the way that Ed was looking out for him. He knew that Spike would rise above this and he knew that he wouldn't let Spike fall into the rut that he had, wouldn't let Spike let his pride get the better of him and keep him from getting the help he deserved and needed. He would never let Spike go through this experience alone, would never let him down.

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_And that's it. Please let me know what you think. I really appreciate reviews and they'll definitely help motivate me to continue to write on my next break. So thanks for sticking with me on this whirlwind of a month and thanks for all the support on all these stories. You have no idea how much I smile to see that I've been faved or to read my stats and get reviews so thank you._


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